I am a control freak. Many of us are, we micromanage and try to control our lives. From how we spend each moment, to what we, eat, to the way we look to others. It is imperative that we have some sense of expectancy in life, some security in what’s coming or what’s next. However, as much as we would like we can not predict the hearts and actions of others. We can’t control cancer sneaking in our circle, or if that job shuts down without notice, or if our friends are loyal, or if our spouses love us. As much as we invest seeking a favorable outcome, life has a way of always throwing us for a loop. So what happens when the unexpected happens and we lose that grip on the control we thought we had? We are forced to reconcile and push through that uncertainty, many times, without understanding. What if ” letting go” is not as easy as every one else makes it seem? What’s the deal when letting go is HARD to do?
A few years ago I had two very traumatic events happen within the course of a year. My maternal grandmother went to glory, and my husband left our marriage. I was DEVASTATED by both yet almost immediately people began to tell me to “move on” and “let go” gosh how I wish it were that simple!
I did all the things you’re “supposed” to do to move on. You know, fix your hair, and take yourself out more, and pick up a new hobby (my knitting fix ended almost as soon as it started) I cried it out, I tried to drink it out, I argued and fussed and withdrew myself from people who love me. I would write in my journal and burn the pages. Ripped photos and prayed that God would even just take me so I could join my granny. I was outwardly looking better but inside I was hurting. I would study the word, but my mind was clouded and I couldn’t reach God in my fog. I was mad at my granny, my husband, and mostly at myself. WHY couldn’t I let go as easily as everyone else?
Then one day a few weeks ago I had a dream about a house. I have this dream often. A house where I’m expecting someone to visit, but the house, though looking okay on the inside, is covered with dust and drop cloths on the inside. It is neglected. It’s missing door knobs and many other things that make a house and home. It’s unsecured from attacked and insecure from rejection. My children are there with me so in a frantic rush I begin trying to fix things, but I keep trying to call in help from my friends, or from my husband. Of course no one is available so I become frustrated and give up heading back to another more suitable place. Usually I wake up around this point.
“Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness, And rivers in the desert.”Isaiah 43:18-19 (NKJV)
After praying about his over and over I realized: The House is symbolic of me. Outwardly maintained but my spirit was neglected, I had the components, but had not began to apply them right to make my home. I was calling and expecting everyone else to repair and dust off and prepare a safe place for me, instead of me just putting in the work and doing it myself. I was giving up on myself because of circumstances. I wasn’t letting go, because I didn’t want to be uncomfortable, or ashamed, or alone. My house was not a home for me so I was holding on to what was! Whew that was a wake up call!
As with fixing up a home, letting go is a process. You might face foundation issues of insecurity, an infestation of shame, maybe even some battered floorboards of forgiveness and anger. Letting go will require us to confront and dissect every single one of these issues, and I refuse to half step on my home. It’s hard work, especially when it’s work you feel ill-prepared to do, but when you utilize the right tools (prayer, wise counsel, forgiveness, love) along with some expert help from the master contractor, God, I know we can’t fail!